1+ hour, 4+ min ago  (318+ words) LOS ANGELES'Admitting that the team's ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday that he had absolutely no idea how he was going to come up with the funds…...

4+ hour, 13+ min ago  (206+ words) How about you go report your own weather for a change The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film." Q: Does Mario say his famous catchphrase? A: Yes, many times…...

7+ hour, 15+ min ago  (318+ words) LOS ANGELES'Admitting that there were some significant upsides to the deal despite the concerns it had raised, analysts at the National Research Group reported Thursday that the upcoming Paramount-Warner Bros. merger offered consumers the best shot at seeing a'Sex And…...

1+ hour, 56+ min ago  (117+ words) The post Jake Paul Hoping To Gain Respect Of Boxing Community With Fight Against World's Tallest Man appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure…...

22+ hour, 48+ min ago  (115+ words) The post Sam Altman: "If I Don't End The World, Someone Far More Dangerous Will' appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like…...

1+ day, 21+ min ago  (184+ words) The post MLB Umpires Replaced By Lawn Chair Representing Strike Zone appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies Wrong Spray Merely…...

1+ day, 3+ hour ago  (105+ words) Night sky gets a 4 out of 1,552 stars People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is urging the White House to ditch traditional Easter eggs in favor of decorated potatoes at its annual egg-rolling event, arguing it would benefit both chickens…...

1+ day, 1+ hour ago  (562+ words) BURBANK, CA'Citing nearly a billion dollars of pent-up consumer demand for entertainment featuring an infant version of an already beloved character, a new report released Wednesday by Gower Street Analytics concluded that Disney's decision not to call its upcoming'Star Wars'film'The…...

1+ day, 7+ hour ago  (292+ words) WASHINGTON'Gleefully strapping the protective garment under their chins and clapping, the U.S. populace announced this week that they like it when their bib has a picture of the food they're eating. "Yay, our plate has lobster, and the bib has lobster…...

1+ day, 7+ hour ago  (312+ words) LOS ANGELES'Insisting that such queer stories were too often excluded from period dramas, Bridgerton showrunner Jess Brownell confirmed Wednesday that the show's next season would feature two women falling in love, breaking up, and then forming a punk band. "Queer…...